Rough Draft of Northern Lights

Lauren Linz
Mr. Griffin
English 112
19 February 2009

The Inside Secret of Olive Ann Inverton
As a young girl growing up, I never really had that mother figure in my life. My parents got divorced when I was ten years old and my dad raised me for the remainder of my life. My dad would never mention anything about my mom but as I got older, I came to understand that my mom had run off one day to be with another man and was never seen again. When I went off to college, my dad died of cancer my freshman year. Since I was an only child and really did not have any other relatives nearby, I grew up by myself and worked my way through college. I ended up dropping out before my second semester of my sophomore year and decided that I wanted to travel and start a new life in a different country. I had no idea where I wanted to go but I packed up all of my belongings and with the money I had, bought a train ticket to Lapland. I had always heard such great stories about how beautiful it was there but never really knew anything more than that. The train rides were long and grueling and involved me sitting on one crammed and smelly train for hours and then having hourly delays until I could get a connection on another one. Almost four or five days after I started my trip, I had finally arrived in Lapland in a small town called Inari. I felt lonely when I arrived in this unfamiliar place but then I was soon welcomed in by a group of people who called themselves the Sami. They dressed in a very unfamiliar fashion with layers and layers of brightly colored clothing. Much of their wear seemed to look kind of Native American but I soon invested in their clothing style in order to stay as warm as possible.
One lady, who I became extremely close with over the past couple of months, took me into under her wings and allowed me to stay there with her and her family. I was one of the only mid aged women around town because many of the younger women were shipped off to boarding schools in order to follow the governments command and learn the Norwegian language (Vida 169). The men on the other hand, were usually out working and taking care of their reindeer. Not every Sami man had their own reindeer but the ones that did, were fortunate enough to have a family line of reindeer breeders. The reindeer were beneficial in not only raising and selling in order to make a profit but also as food for the families. After staying with this women named Mari for a couple of years, I began to work for a restaurant in the middle of town and became extremely involved in the Sami church. The Sami church was a lot different then what I was use to in the past. Instead of worshipping Jesus and the stories in the bible, the Sami church was all based on families. Large murals of family portraits hung all around the church and groups of grandparents and young children attended church services together. None of the middle aged young adults attended church because they were too busy off at their boarding schools. Unlike the rest of the young adults, I was the only one not off at a boarding school and seen in church on a regular basis. Unlike in the United States, the Sami “older women wore black dresses, embroidered with red and green; the men, black tunics, similarly trimmed. However the grandchildren were dressed for snowboarding” (73).
On one bright sunny afternoon when I was at church, a young handsome Sami priest with dark eyes and a calming and caring voice carried out the service. The older priest who usually held church services had become ill and was taking a leave from the church. This young man named Eero Valkeapaa was right out of seminary school and was just filling it for awhile. However within that same year, would soon take over the church after the elder priest’s death (73). After church service on this bright sunny Sunday, I decided to stick around and introduce myself to this young man. Since I was extremely involved in the church and was also excited at the site of a young man, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get to know him. We spoke about why he chose to speak Finnish in his services rather than Sami. It did not make sense why he did not speak the understood, traditional language. However he soon explained to me that more people were able to understand Finnish in the Sami community then their actual language (85). This seemed to irritated me to a great extent because I could not understand why the Sami people could not speak their own language. Instead, why did they choose to speak Finnish? After finishing up our long discussion, we ended up going out to dinner and from that moment on, began to fall in love with each other. After dating for two years, which was a long relationship for me considering I had trouble staying with the same person for more than a couple of months, we decided to get married in the Sami church.
After our wedding, Eero continued to be a Sami priest while I quit my job with working at the restaurant and became a stay at home wife. In order to be the wife of a priest, a lot of responsibilities was required which I would never have imagined. Our house was a welcoming place for any Sami family and when they needed someone to talk to or even just a place to stay; they could come over at any time of the day. I always had to be around the house and prepared to be ready for any visitors. After a couple of months of being the “priest’s wife,” I became annoyed with my responsibilities and wanted to be a part of something more dangerous or daring or even maybe start a family. I had always dreamed of becoming a mom and being able to raise my children and comfort them for their entire life unlike what my mother. However I held off my dream of becoming a mom and decided to help in the mid 1970’s protest in the city near Alta. The government wanted to build a dam in the north of Norway, in Finnmark in order to generate electricity for southern Norway and also make available a large amount of jobs. However, the only drawback was that this dam would flood a historical Sami town called Masi which held about two hundred Sami people. This really upset the Sami community and all Sami communities from all over Finnmark came together in order to protest the dam (86). After discussing my will of wanting to help the Sami people, Eero allowed me to go and protest the dam. He thought it would be a good experience for me and away to allow me to get to know more Sami people. Plus, I needed a little fresh air away from the life of a priest’s wife.
When arriving in the city of Masi, I was the only non-Sami involved with the protest. We made known our cause by being their day and night. Many of the Sami people even chained themselves to the site of the construction in order to not allow workers to finish their job. Everything had been going well until one night when I was walking around the site where the dam was to be built, a Sami man that I had known from the protest started coming onto me. I explained to him that I was married to Eero but before finishing my line, he threw me down on the frozen Alta River near the site of the dam and started taking advantage of me (97). I tried to get away from him, but his strength overpowered mine and there was nothing I could do. As I laid there, I felt like I had betrayed my husband and that the whole incident was my fault. Maybe if I had not been so nice to this man during the protest he would have left me alone. When I woke up the next morning, I left Masi in order to return home to Inari. It was not until a couple of days later that I explained to Eero what had occurred. I decided not to make news of the rape because the man was a Sami and if people caught news of it, the whole incident would have been blown out of proportion. Later on I heard that the man ended up blowing of his arm and one or two of his eyes trying to blow up a bridge. I knew nothing much more about this man other than his mom was some witch women who a lot of people seemed to respect (212).
After a couple of weeks went by, I began to realize that I was actually pregnant. I did not want to have anything to do with the baby because I knew I could not look at it without constantly being reminded of that night. The only chose I could think of in order to allow my life to continue with no recollection of the past was to have an abortion although Eero was totally against this. He did not believe in abortion in any way and explained to me that he would stay and raise the baby. He promised me he would treat it as both of ours but I still felt guilty about the whole incident (98). I ended up having the baby who turned out to be a little girl named Clarissa. I chose the name Clarissa after the Clarissa by Samuel Richardson in hopes that she could rewrite history like him. I hoped that Clarissa would be able to take back all the bad things that hard already occurred in her life and make the best out of it (46). When Clarissa was around six months old, Eero had a conference in New Mexico. The three of us all went there in order to clear our thoughts and be a strong family; however after a couple of days of the conference, I just could not take it any longer. Being away from home and seeing how much this child was hurting Eero, I knew I had to do something. One afternoon when Eero was in a conference, I decided to pack up mine and Clarissa’s belongings and take off for some place. I knew I had to get far away from Finnmark and the Sami people. The only place I knew well was the United States so I decided to travel back there.
I ended up arrive in New York in hopes are starting a new life here. None of my family members lived anywhere around here and I knew that Eero would for sure not find us here. I cried night and day and could not get my mind off of Eero, but I knew it was something I had to do. He did not deserve to live a miserable life and feel guilty for me and this child for the rest of his life. He deserved something much better and the only way he would be able to find this is without Clarissa and I. After a couple of weeks, I started feeling better, however everything I saw reminded me of Eero. Some days I dreamed of our lives together with a big happy family and get so angry with myself for being selfish and going to the protest. I had no right to be there. Heck, I was not even Sami. After two years went by, I still missed Eero but then another man came into my life. Richard, a man who was a couple of years older than me and had never been married before, took Clarissa and I into his life without any question. Richard had always loved to travel and found my life experiences pretty interesting. He never tried to feel pity for me but rather comforted me and allowed me to talk to him when I needed to just scream. When we ended up getting married, he was still a landscape architect which he became after seeking working in order to pay off his dying mother’s bills (56). The two of us decided to have a small wedding in our house and start a new life together that would turn out great. When Clarissa was around the age of seven, I got pregnant with a baby boy named Jeremy. It was so exciting to finally be able to start a family and live a normal life. The thoughts of my old life would finally disappear and it would be as if Clarissa’s father was actually Richard and we would be one happy family.
Everything up to the day of my pregnancy went well. However after some major complications during labor and hours of waiting for answers, the doctors finally came back into the room and explained that Jeremy was born with something wrong with him. I hoped that maybe they mixed up the babies or even that he could grow out of this stage but then we found out that Jeremy was born with Down syndrome (16). I tried to take Jeremy’s life as a blessing. Maybe God believes in me and thinks I would be a good mother that could deal with this but as years went on and days got harder, I just could not live with it anymore. I did not understand what I did to deserve this. I had tried to be a good person all my life but in return I got nothing but failure. The only way I could try to live a happy life was keeping myself busy and not becoming close to either of my children. I felt like a horrible mother but every time I looked at Clarissa I thought of the rape and every time I saw Jeremy I could not understand why. I just saw my life shatter when looking in their eyes. I tried to be the best mom to them that I could be and become close with other women in order to keep my spirits high but I could not keep a friend for more than a month or so. After seeing them constantly for a month, I became tired of their presences and their stories brought back bad memories from the past which made me hate them even more (44). After becoming friends with almost every woman in site, I even tried going to support groups for help. I was never a very social person about my past but after a couple of weeks of support groups, I would become happier for a couple of days and then immediately fall down from my high. After all else failed, I even turned to a cat named Taft who lived outside our house. I knew that cat’s could not speak or rat out my secrets so every night after dinner, I would sit outside and cuddle and talk with the cat. It was always something I had to look forward to each day but then I realized how pathetic of a person I had turned into. I could no longer keep any relationships with a person but rather confided in animals that had no understanding of what I was saying (45).
As I became more and more depressed about my life, I knew the only thing to do was to leave my family and start a new life. I felt like a horrible person but I had no other choice. Me being their mother was not only hurting them but was also doing no good for me. I knew Richard would be able to be a wonderful father and did not deserve all of the pain I brought on him. One night when I was sitting in my office, I wanted to give Clarissa some advice now that she was older. I knew she would not understand but some day she soon would. I gave her my hoop earrings that I once wore all the time but was no longer able to wear because the slits in my ears had ripped all the way down. It looked like an inverted “v” shape when you looked at my ear lobes (51). I hoped that she would keep these earrings and always remember me. I then explained to her that if a man ever tried something on her to pee and use her legs. Then gouge his eyes out with your fingers, punch his ears with your fists, ruin his ability to see and hear and then run (47). I hoped that someday this advice would help her in life and make her become a better person then what I have become. Hopefully she will be able to get married and be a happy young woman with a big family. Although I was not looking forward to leaving, I figured that the best time to do it would be when I knew Clarissa was safe.
I suggested going to Poughkeepsie mall one night in order to pick out Christmas presents for the family. I wanted to have one last bonding experience with Clarissa before I left because I knew I would truly miss her. She and I had been through so much together and I hoped that her life would turn out better than mine. After picking out a sweet suit for Richard and a telescope for Jeremy, we decided to go our separate ways and meet back up at the bakery at seven o’clock (47). One of the ladies working there at the time had been one of my best friends before I married Richard and I explained to her to tell Clarissa that I had left and to make sure that she got home safely. I gave her our house number just in case she needed to call Richard to pick Clarissa up. After she promised that she would take care of Clarissa and that everything was under control, I took off as quick as possible. I did not want anyone to recognize me or see Clarissa again because I knew I could not handle seeing her for the last time. Since it was late at night, I had no idea where to go so I sleep in my car three hours south of our house. The next morning I woke up and caught a train to Lapland just like I had done when I was younger. On my way to the train station, I heard an alert on the radio about a missing person. Her name was Olive Ann Inverton, light hair that had been dyed ligher, about 5’7’’ and weighed 135 pounds (33). I could not believe my ears when I heard my name over the radio. Richard must have been extremely worried to have already filled a report on me. I knew that this was the right thing to do for my family so I turned off the radio and hurried quickly to the train station.
While making my way back to Lapland, I could not help but wonder what I had made of myself. I let go of the first love of my life in hopes of starting a better life which seemed to turn out even worse. I loved Richard still and both of my children but I could not live like this anymore and put such a damper on my family. After sleeping for hours and not eating any food, I finally arrived in Lapland. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself but at least I knew where I was better this time then when I arrived here when I was younger. I ended up staying with one of my old friends in Masi for a couple of weeks until I met a man named Peter who offered me a job in his tour business. I had no idea what I was getting myself into but it ended up being a well paid job. After working for Peter’s touring business for ten years, he then decided to buy a part in a recently constructed Ice Hotel. The hotel was entirely made of ice and snow and was only in use during the winter. The hotel almost looked like the architecture of a child’s dream world but was constructed by artists from all around the world. It had come to be one of the most popular places to visit although it had no form of entertainment other then the ice bar and the social (176). The owner of the hotel was looking for other forms of entertainment so Peter suggested that he would be in charge of creating a wilderness trip for the guests there. The owner was ecstatic about Peter’s idea so he quickly began to build and plan this wilderness trip. He asked me to work for his new business and be the main instructed involved. I agreed and immediately took classes on raising Husky dogs and surviving in the wilderness. I even learned how to chop wood on my own and build a fire. I instantly began working for Peter once the wilderness trip opened. The number of people who signed up for the wilderness trip was not always high because the trip cost $750 per person. The days when the trips were not busy actually became nice because it allowed me become closer with the dogs and Peter too.
After working for the wilderness trip for many years, I began to enjoy my new lifestyle. I was finally becoming happy and had nothing to worry about. I changed my style and cut my hair relatively short and jagged with long bangs which came to a point across my head. I even began to wear black motorcycle pants because they were comfy and warm to work in (197). I even had to start wearing a black brace on my hand after a cut my thumb straight to the bone chopping wood. Since my cut was heat sensitive, the glove allowed me to be able to still work around fire (199). On one day particular right at the start of the Ice Hotels opening on year, five people were signed up for the wilderness trip. However, when the day came, only one person ended up sticking with their plan and coming. I had never had only one person come before because most people came as a couple. I was interested to see why only one person chose to come.
When I opened the door to the wilderness house for the one young woman, I was shocked by who I saw standing in front of me. It was a much younger version of what looked like me. I finally realized that it was Clarissa all grown up however I did not know what to say to her. I also wanted to avoid explaining myself to the other two men about my past life so I treated her like any other guest. The four of us sat down at the large dinner table and talked with one another and then I took Clarissa to the sauna like I do for the rest of my guests. Clarissa asked me if I was going to go in with her but I decided that it would be weird for me to be in there with her. I did not know what to say to her and knew that she would not understand why I left. Right before walking into the sauna, Clarissa stated that she needed to tell me something and before she could even get it out I told her that I knew she was my daughter. I told her that I knew some day this might happen but I thought it would have been Richard not her. I wanted to just sit down with her and explain to her everything from the moment my mom left to now but I knew that she would not understand. I felt like it would be better to just keep it to myself so I told her that I had nothing to say to her and if I did, I would have written (202-03). I was totally lying when I said this but I did not know what to do. I just wanted to scream and run away or maybe even just hug her and never let go. So before she could even say anything else, I left and went outside to feed the dogs. When I came back in, Clarissa was standing by the dinner table while Peter and Olaf were talking. After feeding the dogs, I went straight to the kitchen in order to start dinner. I just wanted to clear my thoughts and think of something to say to Clarissa because I knew I had so much to tell her but I thought that if I started talking, I would begin to cry. When I walked into the kitchen, Clarissa followed and asked if I needed any help. But I told her no and that she should go and relax (206).
After a long pause in our conversation, I could tell Clarissa was getting frustrated with me but I kept my stern attitude although I felt like a trapped little child in a box. The minute I went back to working, Clarissa had told me that Taft the cat had died which hurt me inside because he was the only one I use to be able to talk to however; I shrugged it off as if it meant nothing to me (206). The pain I felt inside at this moment turned me into someone I was not but I had no idea what else to do. While we all sat at the dinner table, I could not even look up at Clarissa. I just ate my food in silence and then all of a sudden Clarissa shouted out that she was pregnant. I wanted to run over to her and give her a huge hug and congratulate her but I knew that I was unable to. I then realized after hearing that she was pregnant that I did not even know who she ended up marrying. She stated that she was engaged to Panjak which made me extremely happy inside. He had always been a wonderful person ever since he was younger and had a good head on his shoulders. His mother was the sweetest women and I knew she would take great care of Clarissa (208). I acted as if I had no idea who she was talking about but then I could tell that Clarissa was getting even madder. She started yelling about being a good mother and how she wants to be one which made me feel like a horrible person. I never wanted to be a bad mom and had always wanted to raise my children better than my mom raised me but I guess I had failed at that.
The minute the two men left, I knew that Clarissa was going to try to talk to me so I pointed to her where she could sleep and told her I was going to bed right away. There was nothing else I could do. As I lay down Clarissa explained that Richard had passed away two weeks ago which broke my heart into pieces (209). I felt like I had known nothing about my old life and now everyone either hated me or was dead. I was shocked when I heard Richard had passed because he was always a healthy man who was not much older than me. While lying silently on the coach, I just could not take it anymore. I began to bawl my eyes out and try to hide the sound from Clarissa but she soon ran over to me and offered to listen. She had always had such a huge heart and I felt bad for being so rude to her. I explained to her that she had no idea what I had been through and I wish she had but I just could not explicate it all. I could tell she was interested and wanted to hear me say more but I snapped and told her to either go to bed or get out (211).
The next morning when we both woke up, Clarissa questioned me about who her real father was. I tried to play it off as if Richard but I could soon tell that she had known more than what I thought. I explained to her about the rap incidence but did not go into much detail (212). Before leaving, she told me that she had not gotten as much out of the experience as she hoped but the only response I could think of was that I hoped she would lower her expectations. I felt horrible for treating her this way but I could not get myself to just grab and hug her and explain the story. As Clarissa walked out the door, she asked me to say goodbye Clarissa to her which I followed but then she handed me a piece of paper (215). After she had left I read the note that she had written to her unborn child and realized how horrible of a mother I had been to her. I wish I could change back time and go back and be her mother and watch her grow, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I hope that Clarissa becomes a wonderful mother and wife and that she does not follow in my footsteps. One day I wish I could see her again but I doubt that I will ever get that chance again…I ruined it.

Let the Northern Lights Erase Your Name Journal 2 and Topic for Paper

Based on the last chapters that we have read, I am starting to like Clarissa less and less. I feel as if she is blowing this whole scenario way out of proportion. Every person has something bad that went on in their lives maybe not as bad but many times even worse. Although I think this was a horrible thing that her mother did to her and I would never do that to my children, I feel that she is letting this whole thing late over her life. I feel as if she should still be on the lookout for her mom because I would want to know what happened to her too and if she was still alive see her, but that is what her whole life is based off of. She no longer has a job, fiancé, friends, and even a real family. It seems like she will turn out like her mom and just continue running away. I feel like she just needs to get a hold of herself and her life and learn from her mom’s mistakes. There is nothing she can do about the past and needs to stop wasting her entire life on this. The last chapter we ended at “Tongue to Ice” really caught my attention. When the chapter came to an end, I really didn’t want to stop reading it and wanted to find out what was about to take place in the upcoming pages and chapters. I was really surprised to see that she might finally be able to find and see her mom. It is almost like you are sitting here thinking..will this women really be her mom? Will she be glad that Clarissa finally found her? Will they go off and live a life together as if nothing happened? There are so many different endings that could occur and it just interests me to see which path this book will take. I almost feel like after everything Henrik has done for her and gone through with her that she should end up being with him although he is a lot younger. He is a good man, with a great life style, who always treats her with a ton of respect. Although I feel like it won’t happen being Clarissa is unable to stay faithful to any man and continuously changes her mind, it is always a good thought. I find it kind of interesting how the author has so much climax leading up to this one point. It is almost as if these couple of chapters make or break the book. It makes sense how she plans out the whole seeing of her mom because it seems as if she is going to go directly to the Ice Hotel and find her mom standing behind the counter or showing people to her room. It was a creative set up how her mom may actually be in a different part of the hotel which she is unable to go to until a day later. I feel like the author had the narrative set up like this so Henrik would be able to get to know a little more about Clarissa without having to ask her while also keeping the attention of the reader. I know for sure it keep my attention. I didn’t want to stop reading the book. I just wanted to find out if it was really her mom or if there was another twist in the book.
As I look back on the other parts of the book, it doesn’t surprise me that Clarissa may finally find her mom in Lapland. It’s almost as if she ran away to a place that she called home but also where some of her greatest and worst memories took place. It seems as if she is going back to finally clear her head and try to start a new life in the place where everything started. She never seemed really happy in the United States and moved from place to place and person to person while she was there. Maybe when she first lived in Lapland she felt like she had a place there and was her true self. Also Lapland was far enough away where no one from the United States would recognize her and it was less than likely that any of her children or husband would travel to find her. Although she lived in Lapland or around the area before, most people probably had not remembered her and she could start an entire new life all over again. I really hope that as the book unfolds all of my questions of why her mom left and why she never tried to find Clarissa again will come up. Hopefully she has a good reason for her disappearance and the two will forgive each other and live happily ever after. Although I know this sounds too much like a fairy tale and probably will not happen, it would be nice for Clarissa to finally have an understanding of her entire life story and reasons for things she never understood.
For my narrative sequence paper option, I am either considering writing a long narrative on her mother’s point of view and her life story or else maybe even her brother. Although her brother does not have a large part in the book, it would be interesting to try to write an understanding of him. Or else, I may take an even different approach and try to analyze Clarissa and her mom as rape victims and do a background search on rape victims and tie it in with the two. Many the whole rape incidence relates to why the two travel and leave so much. This may be due to the fact that the whole tragic occurrence is continuously reflected on their old lives and they have to leave them in order to get over it. Although I am not exactly sure which one of the three I am doing, I will email you and ask you more questions on the guidelines for the rape topic if I decide to do that.